Lady Cultivator Chapter 245
Chapter 245: Embarrassing Secrets
He never denied his admiration for this woman.
Maybe it was because of Mingzhu, or maybe it was because of his admirers, but he never really took women seriously. He always thought that although they weren't less talented than men, their minds were usually filled with too much chaos. Aside from a select few, they really weren't suitable for cultivation.
But Mo Tiange... He felt she was one of those few special ones.
She was hardworking. Even when her talents were considered terrible, instead of lamenting her fate, she worked much harder than everyone else. Even after she found out her talents surpassed others, she never slacked off in the slightest. She was also a focused person. Ever since he got to know her, he never saw her put her mind into random things; she only focused on cultivating, focused on walking on her own path. She respected herself. From the moment she was only a small Aura Refining cultivator who had nothing at all, she always relied on her own hard work to walk further down the path towards immortality instead of betraying her own pride and self-respect. She was also quite intelligent. Although she still made mistakes and took the wrong path sometimes, she always took away lessons from her failures.
From when he got to know her until today, she had slowly matured from a completely unremarkable small cultivator in Kunwu into a genuine elite disciple of a big cultivation group. Her diligence and perseverance had never changed, but her experiences and skills in handling matters continued to grow. Although he himself also had some part in her growth, her talents and efforts were undeniable.
Actually, from a certain aspect, her luck was extremely good. They all thought she had wasted spiritual roots, but she turned out to be a heavenly-gifted genius. Furthermore, she also received favor from Deification cultivators, thus obtaining some unique treasures.
Nevertheless, she herself also worked hard, so she indeed deserved such results.
In fact, of the cultivators who could walk far down the road, who didn't achieve what they did through hard work and luck? His master could be considered as having no luck; he advanced by relying on his own cultivation. However, he had many unique treasures to use in fights of magical powers, and these treasures were also the foundation he needed to stand up in this world. Martial Uncle Zhenyang, Martial Uncle Miaoyi, and even their nemesis, Master Song Feng—which one of them hadn't encountered fated chances and obtained unique treasures? He himself was no different.
Everyone in west Kunwu said Qin Shoujing was Celestial Pole's genius which rarely appeared in a millennium, but in reality? His aptitude was simply double spiritual roots. Even though both of his spiritual roots were excellent, how could he be superior to those real geniuses with single or mutated spiritual roots? Even though he had a pure mind and never encountered bottlenecks, he still wasn't better than those geniuses.
Before he built his foundation, everything was indeed the result of his own hard work, but his master's patronage also played an essential part. After he built his foundation, he often went out both to train his mental state and to encounter fated chances, because he felt he mustn't rely on his master his whole life.
His luck was quite good, and he was also astute enough, so he was able to encounter many fated chances smoothly and obtain many numinous treasures, which included his Yang Spiritual Bead and Three Yang Real Fire Sword.
He formed his Gold Core at seventy eight years old. Those who weren't familiar with his situation were all astonished that a cultivator with double spiritual roots like him could achieve such a feat, but in fact? He achieved that only because he obtained a Yang Spiritual Bead.
Yang Spiritual Beads were a kind of unique treasure formed from the congregation of the world's spiritual aura; it was formed from the condensation of extremely pure Yang attribute spiritual aura. It was very small, but it completely absorbed a certain spirit vein in Kunwu, turning that certain spirit vein into a common peak with no spiritual aura in the slightest. Later, it buried itself in a different place for more than a hundred thousand years until it was finally found by him.
Therefore, upon obtaining the Yang Spiritual Bead, he simply didn't need to absorb spiritual aura from the outside anymore, because from a certain point of view, it could be said that he already had a complete spirit vein inside his body.
It was only due to such a unique treasure that his cultivation progressed by leaps and bounds, allowing him to smoothly making a real-breakthrough into the Core Formation realm when he was barely seventy eight years old.
However, if it was anyone else, was it certain that they could also obtain these unique treasures and encounter these fated chances? Sometimes, even if fated chances and unique treasures were present right before one's eyes, one still wouldn't be able to obtain them if they didn't work hard enough.
Those lazy cultivators who had higher cultivation levels than him out of talent or a stroke of luck, or cultivators who never worked hard because they just relied on their talent, would never understand these principles.
Because of that, from a certain aspect, it could be said that he appreciated this woman because she let him see himself in her.
His master said opposite or similar people easily felt curious about each other. On the other hand, curiosity was precisely the first step in the birth of affection.
He originally didn't believe his master but now, he had no choice but to believe him.
When did he start to see her as a woman instead of a child?
Maybe it started when they arrived at Xuanqing School and he reinstated his original identity, or maybe it started during that long thirty-five year period. He wanted to recall the matter, but he realized he couldn't remember clearly. Sometimes, he even felt these feelings seemed to have no reason at all and just sprouted suddenly.
Since he appreciated her, he felt curious about her. Since he was curious about her, he paid attention to her. Because he paid attention to her, his thoughts were often on her. With the passage of time, his thoughts about her continued to increase until finally, he could no longer give them up.
Sometimes, he cautiously thought about these matters again. Could it be that because she was already grown when they met? Their meeting was late by seven years, giving her enough time to grow up. Consequently, in the beginning, although he still thought this child was this and that, his heart was actually very clear—she was already grown up; she was no longer a child.
She viewed him as a cultivator from the same realm, so she joked with him, talked about her experiences, and even discussed some of her worries. This kind of ease and joy made him feel happy.
He subconsciously wanted to hide his identity from her also because he liked the feeling of being her equal. He always thought that if he told her the truth, the distance between them would increase in an instant, and she also wouldn't believe him as much as she used to.
He told Zhong Muling if he hadn't hidden his identity, she wouldn't have stayed in Xuanqing School. Indeed, that was one of the reasons. Back then, she was just like a bird who would startle from a mere twang of a bow—if she knew his real identity, she'd most likely think of every kind of possible method to run away, right? She might have a bit of trust towards Qin Xi, but she would never truly trust Qin Shoujing, especially after she ran away in such a way back then.
When he went to save her during the demonic beast riot, he really didn't think too much about the matter. Did he have any superfluous feelings towards her or not in the end? It felt like it'd been a very long time since then, so he couldn't really remember. Nevertheless, he was certain that he definitely wouldn't have had thoughts about Dual Cultivation and the like back then.
He wouldn't fall for a cultivator who'd just built her foundation, not even when she had extraordinary talents. A gap of more than a hundred years in age really didn't mean much for cultivators, and the two of them didn't have any kind of blood relation. He and her father were also nothing but comrades, and although they were quite close as friends, their ages also differed by more than a hundred years. As for seniority? For cultivators, this was simply something that would never be a problem. There was only one thing that he couldn't not care about—the gap in their cultivation levels.
He patiently thought back, looking deep inside his heart for vestiges of the past, but he discovered the reason was so simple. He wasn't a person who already transcended worldliness; cultivator utilitarianism was buried deep inside his flesh and blood. Even if his heart had a good impression of her, he, Qin Zhoujing, the future hope of Xuanqing School, wouldn't want to marry a woman who had just built her foundation and had an unknown fate on the path towards immortality.
These were just fragments he finally picked up today after recalling everything that happened, but they were also some things he never thought about in the past.
Later, when he entered the Virtual Sky World and ran into the two Deification cultivators, he was forced to suffer such humiliation.
He originally thought he was looking at her from a place high above. He had a somewhat good impression of her, but it was hard to persuade himself to let go of his bias regarding their cultivation levels. As it turned out, however, he also only counted for a Human Furnace to others.
"Human Furnace"... These two words for men were practically the biggest humiliation they could receive.
This was even more the case for Qin Shoujing, who always thought highly of himself and couldn't afford a speck of dust in his eyes.
That was the reason he cultivated like crazy. He wanted to let those two people know that he, Qin Shoujing, would be able to stand on par with them. He could even surpass them and eventually step into the Great Dao.
However, his master unexpectedly told him he was entering a demonic barrier and that he ought to think carefully about the simplicity of the time he began cultivating.
At that time, he didn't cultivate because of any particular reason—he simply wanted to cultivate. As the result, nothing was holding him back and he never had any obsessions. He simply continued on cultivating wholeheartedly.
But things were different now.
These past several years, it wasn't like he didn't realize his mental state had changed. He was no longer the Qin Shoujing who didn't have superfluous feelings in his heart, who didn't know the taste of obsession, and who had a pure Dao Heart and few desires.
But once he changed, how could he change back into his originally simple self?
He tried to calm down, so when he entered Closed Door Meditation this time, it lasted for thirty five years.
In these past thirty five years, he actually fell into the trap he laid himself and he was eventually caught firmly inside. The more he wanted to prove himself or the deeper his feelings were inside his mind, the more obsessed he became, and the harder it would be to dispel his demonic barrier.
Bit by bit, his present self was slowly picking through these thoughts which he never carefully thought about in the past. He went through every nook of his memories and sorted them, regardless of how embarrassing these thoughts were before.
He originally thought he could remain that way his whole life—losing himself on the path towards immortality, remaining by himself his whole life, and eventually stepping into the supreme Great Dao.
Or perhaps, he would genuinely love a woman—no matter what identity or status she had, they'd accompany each other until the end of their lifespans and pass away together.
As it turned out, he wasn't as simple-hearted or as noble and virtuous as he thought he was.
He had feelings towards a woman, but he was trapped by his bias about their cultivation levels—he enjoyed the feeling of superiority he had from looking at her from high above. Because of his ego and feelings of superiority, he cultivated desperately so he could once again look at her from high above.
How could he have such dark emotions? Maybe this was because he couldn't let her go, and more than anything, he couldn't let go of his ridiculous self-esteem and didn't want to admit he indeed had feelings for her. Or maybe he was originally this utilitarian and had no differences with those cultivators in the slightest.
His master was right—he'd entered a demonic barrier. He thought if he cultivated wholeheartedly until he reached the Nascent Soul realm, he'd be able to cast off these embarrassing secrets, while in fact, he had simply been prioritizing the wrong things.
Nevertheless, although he already understood his own heart, he still wouldn't say these things out loud right now.
If he told her about his feelings now, how would that be different from wanting to use her? If he couldn't form his Nascent Soul but wanted to be with her, wouldn't that be the same as wanting to use her to free himself from his obsession so he could smoothly form his Nascent Soul? He didn't want to do such a despicable thing, not even a little bit.
This was the only thing he could do, the last thing he could insist upon after admitting all his secrets.
In the end, one had to walk on the way of the Dao towards immortal ascension on their own—how could he place his hopes on such an unorthodox way? Although he loved her, cultivating to become an immortal was still his lifetime wish.
As for her, she presumably also wouldn't want a feeling that was mixed with even a bit of worldly gain.
Therefore, if he loved her, if he couldn't let go of her, he could only wait until he formed his Nascent Soul and she formed her Gold Core. At that time, he could simply ask her—would she be willing to seek the path towards immortality together with him?
If she was willing, his long-cherished hope would be fulfilled. If she wasn't willing, it just meant they weren't fated in this lifetime.
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